Monster Energy Outbreak Tour Presents: Post Malone , Jazz Cartier and Larry June
While some were spending their evening getting ready for their third Halloween night out, I was making my way to the city for an exiting event filled with bruises and mosh pit madness. This wasn't my first rodeo so I knew what is to be expected however this time, I have some tips to share with you guys for any genre of people filled concerts.
1) Braid your hair. This will prevent major hair loss as you are stuck between many sweaty human bodies that as a result made my hair a rats nest. Literally qualifying as a potential living habitat.
2) Wear a vest with spikes on the back: Hate people pushing you forward? Complain no more. By wearing a spiked vest, the humans pushing you will be the ones complaining.
3) Bring a floatie: The circle ones you can find at the dollar store. Why? This will forcefully create personal space as attempted intruders will be bounced off. It's also super light and if you buy the children ones they will fit around your waist perfectly.
I arrived just in time that by the time I got to the front of the line to head inside the rain has just begun, typical Vancouver. As the lady security guard who is smaller than I am, started checking my body I kept telling myself "I hope she doesn't check my hair, I hope she doesn't check my hair". She didn't, but she did check my booty and quickly removed her hands when she realised I wasn't wearing any pants. SURPRISE. I proceeded inside to find my brother, yeah he came. My wallet was happy that price of water bottles were only $3.25 which is cheaper compared to other events where price of water can go up to $6.00! I assumed we receive water bottles without caps so I came prepared with Dasani water lids. In the end, we got to keep the lids anyways, score. We now head to the stage, dammit. What a crowd. I start analyzing how the heck to get to the front. Perfect, some Asian kid chundied and people made a circle around the poor soul who was so messed up he didn't know where he was. Ladies and gentleman this was the perfect opportunity to make my way in, lets go. Poor kid standing their awkwardly, alone, as I drag my brother in tip-toeing over the slippery floors we made it to third row, aka behind the shoulders of three people.
Concert begins and people start jumping. MOSH PIT. Push jump, push, the techniques to make your way to the very front. Eventually I made it. With the help of a friendly male-stranger, his girlfriend was not impressed. "Are you touching her butt?" No. his arm was around me holding onto the railing preventing others from coming in. Oh at this point I lost my bother. RIP. Now some flailing arms are hitting me in the face, lovely. "Hi stranger, I would like to keep my eyes in my face thank you very much." But I could tell he was doing thing purposely, fu*cker. After a few hits to the head I decided to pull a crazy stunt and bite him, right in the triceps. Delicious. 'YOU CRAZY B*TCH". Yes, tell me more, like I care. Sorry not sorry.
At the end, it was worth it. I was literally beneath Toronto Rap Artist, Jazz Cartier, and Post Malone himself; i could smell them. Witnessing their eyes rolling back as if they were drunk or something?! You think. This was my second time seeing Post live and fourth for Jazz, not like I'm a fan or anything? Bragging? A little. If you ever have the opportunity to witness these artists I say do it, because this show was sold out.
Show ended, and I hobbled my way towards the exits of the city streets, wait, whose that. I push threw the crowd towards the stairs by the "merch" table, for those who have been to Vogue Theatre know what I'm talking about. I ever so quickly whip out my phone and take a photo.
Jazz Cartier's locks are now the views on my cellphone wall paper.
To end the night I showered before bed, too much information? Brushing out my hair with loads of conditioner in to de-tangle this awful nest, a souvenir fell out of my hair. Gum. Lovely, because flying water bottles and waking arms were not enough.